Understanding Frustration Through the ADHD Lens
- myrefocuscoach
- 5 days ago
- 4 min read
Low frustration tolerance is a crippling, hallmark trait of ADHD. Anyone remember Bulldog on Frasier and his hilariously total lack of frustration tolerance- or am I the only one old enough to remember, “This stinks!” … anyone?
But in real life, it’s not so funny. And, judging by road rage, the irate customers in stores on airplanes, and the general entitlement floating around these days, it’s getting worse. So what’s going on?
In short: Low frustration tolerance comes from the discomfort we feel when we don’t get what we want. The result? A fast, escalating emotional response of fight, flight, or freeze.
Why ADHDers Feel It More Intensely
ADHD brains lack a natural “barrier” that helps set aside uncomfortable emotions. MRI scans show altered connections between the frontal cortex, subcortical areas, and amygdala in the ADHD brain. The result is that we are more sensitive, less able to tolerate discomfort, and less able to control impulsive behavior. But, in our world, frustration isn’t “just a bad attitude,” it’s biological and needs to be understood. Does this excuse the behavior, certainly not! But, it can explain it.
The Brain Science Behind It
I once read an article describing the amygdala (our fight-flight-freeze center) as being louder than the frontal lobe (our rational problem-solving center) during times of frustration. The writer called it bottom-up thinking because the amygdala sits deeper in the brain and takes over our thinking. The negative thoughts it delivers can create a negative feedback loop—one negative thought sparks another, and the cycle escalates until distress sets in– enter frustration behaviors, rage, avoidance, and depression to name a few. Without intervention, this negative feedback loop can create a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure.
The good news? New patterns are possible. With patience, supportive relationships, and coaching, we can retrain the brain toward better responses called top-down thinking. Here, our frontal lobes (the adult) take over the conversation from the amygdala (child in the room)
Note: The amygdala plays a vital role in survival. But when it’s overactive, it can trigger the rage that you are seeing in the world and on the internet. When this happens, we all need a calmer, rational voice to speak louder.
Another Culprit: Cognitive Overload
The perpetual overwhelm that plagues ADHDers makes frustration more likely. When mental bandwidth is already maxed out, even a small roadblock can tip the scale from calm to “I can’t deal with this!” in seconds. Again, a change in our thinking patterns will help.
Break the Cycle: Mindset Shift
Name It Tame It We can't fix what we won't face. For us frustrated folk, the first step is ownership of the attitude, and its ripple effects on others. But try this without counterproductive self criticism. Try giving it a title. Mine? I might call it a "rolling tide." I can feel the swell before it crashes. What if I, or we, could call out those currents before they hit the shore rendering them less powerful?
Respond, not React. Shift to Curiosity
What’s another way to look at a frustrating problem? Think of this as building the habit of “zooming out” — seeing your situation from a wider angle. It takes practice to pause long enough to do it, but when you do, something powerful happens: you shift from bottom-up thinking (where the amygdala runs the show) to top-down thinking (where the frontal lobe — the “adult in the room” — steps in).
In my coaching training, an instructor once told a story about a philosopher who required his students to come up with several ways to view every problem. Try that with something simple–say, falling behind on piles of mail. My first thought might be that I’m procrastinating, putting off a dull task for later. But if I look for two more explanations, I might realize I’m avoiding something in the mail– and why would that be? Or maybe I just don’t have a system that makes it easy to handle mail daily.
Any (or all) of these could be true, but the simple act of considering new possibilities already softens the wave of frustration rolling in. Curiosity creates space for a response instead of a reaction. It shifts us from frustration to exploration, from understanding to resistance.
Reframe setbacks
Every setback is an opportunity to learn. It never returns void. What a gift it would be if we practiced flexibility and stayed open to correcting our mistakes by simply trying something different next time using some key phrases like,
“I can endure this noise in my head.”
“I can accept this delay”
“I can withstand this swell of anger in traffic.”
“I can bear this smell.”
“I can stay with it longer than I think.”
With phrases like this in my arsenal, I almost feel the crashing wave of frustration recede.
Switch Back
Ever wonder why your brain seems to wander just when you need it to focus? Neuroscientists have found that two networks—the Default Mode Network (DMN) and the Task Positive Network (TPN)—compete for control of your attention. For most people, when one is active, the other quiets down—but not so for the ADHD brain, where both stay active, draining energy and focus. (Here’s a great article that explains it in more depth-https://www.additudemag.com/default-mode-network-adhd-brain/)
The Switch Back technique seeks to quiet the DMN (where distracting frustration resides) to the TPN (home of rational thinking and progress)
Plan & Break it Down:
Those of us with ADHD are often time-myopic—we struggle to see future projects or goals clearly, and they can feel like vague, shapeless blobs. The “Plan & Break It Down” strategy helps by reverse-engineering the goal: dividing it into the smallest possible steps and assigning each a specific time and date, creating a clear path from now to completion.
Sound good?
How Can Executive Function Coaching Help?
We identify your strengths and resources, the tools already in your arsenal for managing frustration in the future. While dwelling on past mistakes isn’t helpful, hearing your stories lets us turn them into springboards for next time. Coaching is about building actionable plans to navigate ADHD challenges, like low frustration tolerance, so you can move through them more smoothly when they reappear.
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